Published: Wednesday, 9th April, 2008 09:00
How North Ayrshire hands out council houses
By Drew Cochrane
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PICTURE the scene. A council housing office. A candidate being interviewed for a house in Largs.
“So, Mr Convict, why do you need a council house?”
“Well, I’ve been committing some evil crimes and my mother and father in Eaglesham have thrown me out of their home.”
Council paper pusher: “So how come you are homeless in Largs?”
Convict: “Er, that was the first bus that came along.”
Paper Pusher: “What connection have you to Largs?”
Convict:”I once had a night on the bevvy in the Anchor Inn and smashed their windaes.”
Paper Pusher:”Oh, that’s a shame, I hope you didn’t cut yourself.”
Convict:”Those nice social workers sent me to see a psychiatrist.”
Paper Pusher:”Did you like her?”
Convict:”Oh yes, in fact, I liked her so much I followed her everywhere at all hours of the day and night.”
Paper Pusher:”That was very considerate of you. Did she appreciate it?”
Convict:”Not really. She reported me to the polis for stalking her.”
Paper Pusher:”What did you do then?”
Convict: “I bought a box of matches and tried to set fire to her office.”
Paper Pusher: “Well, I hope that taught her a lesson.”
Convict: “So, have I done enough to qualify for a nice council house in Largs?”
(Shuffling of papers, including the Social Worker’s report saying how misunderstood Mr Convict is and that when he gets out of Greenock Prison in six months he will need the support of familiar surroundings. After all, he once spent a convivial night in Largs).
Paper Pusher: “No problem. Under the Housing Scotland Act (2001), as amended, local authorities have a duty to offer advice and assistance to homeless persons following an assessment of their circumstances.
“Therefore, you are eminently qualified. In fact, Largs has two big bonfires every year and you could be just the kind of arsonist they’re looking for.”
Mr Convict:”Only one thing. Do you think you could give me a downstairs flat in case I need to make a quick exit at any time.”
Paper Pusher: “Good idea, and while we’re at it I’ll put you in Kelvin Street.
There’s a nice big fire station at the bottom of the road.”
You couldn’t make it up. Could you?
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