Having returned to some semblance of a playing role recently for Largs Thistle, it has had me thinking of what actually was it that made me give up playing in the first place. I know that over the last couple of years an accumulation of old injuries and muscle imbalances have made me quite contented not to play due to the pain however what was the trigger that propelled me to it in the first place? The answer lies in my last season with Auchinleck Talbot which was 2011/12.

With a great degree of hindsight, I wish now that I had walked away immediately after the 2010/11 season. We had won the League Cup earlier in season when I had come off the bench as a striker to score the equaliser against Irvine Meadow and take the game to penalties. We had won the Ayrshire Cup by hammering Irvine Meadow 4-0 in the final and I had scored two playing at right back. And the best of the lot, was regaining the Scottish Junior Cup at Rugby Park by beating Musselburgh 2-1 after extra time. Again playing at right back, I set up the winning goal and won the man of the match and gave a post-match interview to BBC Alba who were broadcasting live. At the end of a successful playing season, I was fortunate to win a player of the year and top goalscorer award and should’ve went out on a high however, I knew that I still had plenty left in the tank. I was also desperate to successfully defend the Scottish Junior Cup. It was the one thing that I hadn’t done yet.

As I look back now at the following season, it just leaves me with an empty feeling. It started so well for me on a personal level. I was playing as a striker and scoring regularly early on before the millstone of versatility struck again. Although the previous season had been very successful, I had felt an ever growing weariness due to being shifted around various different positions on the pitch on a regular basis. Having the versatility to adapt to anywhere on the pitch comfortably meant that whenever there was an obvious gap then I would be called upon to fill it. Over my nine and half years, I filled every outfield position in the Auchinleck team on a number of occasions but it was starting to wear me down.

After having started in a decent run of scoring form in that final season, I got shunted back to right back again and it brassed me off no end. There were five other players that could have filled in there but I still got the job to do. It also meant that someone else then got the chance to come in as a striker in my place which I knew would push me back down the that queue again.

Another reason it bothered me so much was that when I was looking to leave Auchinleck in the summer of 2010 for a new challenge elsewhere, it was agreed by Tommy Sloan that due to a striker shortage, I would stay on in a new role as a striker. He warned me though that I would need to earn it and take my place on the bench until I proved myself. Being the club captain was not going to hold any privileges. I was entirely happy with that because I believed in my own ability. It was my understanding then that by moving me back, forward and sideways whenever it suited, he had broken the agreement that we had made. More than anyone else in any of the squads over my whole period at Auchinleck, I had taken ‘one for the team’ and filled in all over the place but I was starting to get rather sick of it.

Eventually, I spoke to Tommy about it after training one night and after a lively discussion, I realised that nothing was going to change. I knew that as the manager, his opinion was the only one that mattered. It’s likely around that point that it started to go south for me in terms of Auchinleck. I was oldest and most experienced player in the squad and still the club captain but it suddenly felt that I didn’t really fit in anymore. I gave it 100% for the rest of the season but I felt like I was very much on the periphery even though I hid it well.

The interesting thing about the second half of that season was that not only did we make it to the Scottish Junior Cup final again but we also played Hearts in Edinburgh in the fourth round of the senior Scottish Cup. They should’ve been further highpoints in my career but I look back on both experiences with disdain I have to laugh now when I think of my experience at Tynecastle against Hearts. I was named on the bench which obviously didn’t put me in a particularly good mood but in these situations, you just need to be professional and get on with it. The game itself was a serious rearguard action from Auchinleck however our goalkeeper had an inspired game as well as saving a first half penalty and so when I was introduced with about 20 mins to go, the game was still 0-0.

Disaster struck in 84 mins though. A hopeful diagonal ball from the Hearts left side was played towards the edge of our box. I read my opponents run and got there before him. Just as I was about to header it clear, I got a shout from our goalkeeper to leave it. All 6ft 7in of him proceeded to wipe me out and drop the ball at the feet of the Hearts player who rolled it into the empty net. To perversely add to the comedy value of the day, the linesman ruled out our equaliser for offside deep into injury time which would have secured us an almost impossible draw. Sportscene later that night would show that not only was no-one offside but it was a Hearts player that played the ball to our ‘scorer’. Not that I remember much about Sportscene because by that time at night I was suffering severe headaches and vomiting from concussion!

Adding to that experience was the frustration I felt at watching from the bench as we very tamely threw away our chance to successfully defend the Scottish Junior Cup in the final against Shotts Bon Accord. After the game, I hung my boots on a peg in the dressing room, took a photo for Facebook and walked away leaving them there.

I don’t take any satisfaction from playing a bit part in things or from losing and so even to get so far in that last season was of no consequence to me. An appearance at Tynecastle and a Scottish Junior Cup runners up medal doesn’t mean anything even now.

For me, success without fulfilment is not success. If I haven’t contributed significantly to the cause then I’ll happily leave it to the others to bask in the glow. This mindset is likely why I’ve pushed myself hard to achieve on the football pitch. This is why I decided to leave Auchinleck and effectively end my playing career. I still played a lot at Auchinleck at the time but I wasn’t tested when I was playing at right back or centre half and therefore there was no fulfilment for me. When the fulfilment goes, then you are better off packing up and finding something else to excite you.

Although I didn’t enjoy very much of that last season at Auchinleck, I have no doubt that it has helped me mould me in terms of how I approach the role of being a manager. Playing players out of position is a last resort as I know that doing that over an extended period can have a real negative effect on a player as much as having them sit on the bench.

So even though the chance to jump in a Delorean and change things would be sorely tempting, I’ll happily accept the lessons learned in the hope that they will help me out further down the line.