At this time of year I'm reminded of the old joke that the Scottish Parliament can't hold a nativity play because they don't have three wise men. 

However, there is no shortage of comedians at Holyrood. Step forward Slater and Harvie, or Lorna and Patrick to some of you. Remember The Krankies?

They could hold a pantomime. Call it Patrick and the Heat Pump. It's fantasy after all, from what we've heard in the past week.

Wee Patrick, Minister for Zero Carbon,  has announced, with the positivity of Stan Laurel, that his cunning plan to start replacing all of our gas boilers with the notorious and highly expensive pumps has been put back to 2028.

In my suggested panto the gag is that the Green Party co-leaders wag the tail of the SNP dog throughout the show. Unfortunately, they are not exactly the Chuckle Brothers; more like Cannae and Bull or Dick and Dumb.

In the opening scene, Lorna says to Barmy: "We've had a few ideas in our time in charge but they always end in failure. Let's go in search of the mystical Heat Pump and all will be well. And you be the man and I'll be the woman."

"But we are," says Barmy. 

"Are you sure?" replies Lorna. "I get so confused nowadays."

Now, I can confidently predict that the Greens' comedy duo - often portrayed in panto as being on the side of the baddies - won't be in the Scottish Government in a few years time, particularly as we panto villagers hear the frightening news that we'd all have to pay at least £10,000 per pump.

A caller to the Kaye Adams programme on Radio Scotland programme last week pointed out that she spent £15,000 on a heat pump which keeps breaking down - and the only company that can get parts and service it is in England.

In the recent cold spell they have gone to her mother's to keep warm. Her mum had a gas boiler installed this year for £3,500. Oh, and the heat pumps are very noisy, apparently.

The Scottish Builders Federation is, of course, in favour of installing heat pumps, as there's a pot of gold for them at the end of the panto - erm, rainbow - but, significantly, their spokesman said they work "as long as it's the right property", and added that the pumps only make your water "warm".

When questioned on the radio, Green Guru Harvie admitted that he didn't know what the standard cost of installation would be, but by delaying the legislation by a few years it would make it "fairer and clearer". All together now: "Oh no it won't..."

When you consider that most folk don't have a spare ten grand - at 2023 prices - and that almost all Scottish councils are more skint than Jeremy Hunt, where are the tens of billions of pounds going to come from? The Scottish Government? Don't make me laugh.

Incidentally, you can't get a grant until you do the work at your own expense.

Maybe it's not a panto after all. Sounds more like a horror story.

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Thought for the Week: "We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars."

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As a man who loves words (and don't you know it, sir) I could be termed a logophile.

It was a great pleasure, therefore, to attend and review a magnificent performance of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest by the Attic Players in Skelmorlie.

On the subject of words, I have long railed against the oft-repeated but meaningless phrase of 'just transition', expressed by the Scottish Government day after day.

Now, what I think the politicians mean is that they will close down Scotland's assets of gas and oil when they can move the thousands of workers over to alternative green industries. 

It ain't going to happen in most of our lifetimes.

The hypocrisy of it all has been highlighted by the announcement that the PetroIneos oil refinery is to close down in Grangemouth in 2025. The fanatical climate activists are delighted. The workers and the sensible politicians - there must be a few around - are furious.

In truth, there is no 'just transition'. It is a hollow platitude used to suggest progress is being made despite all evidence to the contrary.

For a 'just transition' to mean anything, there have to be green jobs for fossil fuel workers to move to.

Another reason for such projects as the Hunterston sub-sea cable factory to be welcomed.